The summer before junior year, the reality of looming college applications sets in. Life suddenly revolves around grades, clubs, and whatever looks good to admissions officers. At the same time, we are deciding on what colleges we will apply to, and what to answer for our intended major. Come September, we are trying to find the most interesting moment of our lives to write a personal essay, while still keeping our grades up in case a college asks for mid-year reports.
Then February comes and goes, most applications are long closed, first semester grades are locked, and we’d all stay home if attendance weren’t mandatory.
A terrible anxiety begins to set in. We have a lot more free time and nothing to do but wait for decisions to be sent out. In theory, this should be freeing, yet stress creeps in from somewhere, so we check our application portal, double-check when decisions come out, triple-check acceptance rates. Next to you, a student is bouncing their leg, and you realize that you are too.
There are numerous studies on how our generation is plagued by overthinking and anxiety. I was no exception to this. After I committed to my university, I set up my student account, researched all resources on campus, and studied the campus building of my major.
Most of this research was meaningless. Everything I learned is most definitely going to be discussed during orientation. My way of coping was to pretend to be productive.
I think that for a number of us, the anxiety we feel after college applications stems from a desire to do something and take control of our future, after all the meaningful decisions have already been made
Now, I want you to think of a child doing literally anything, playing catch, for example. They SUCK. Horribly. They trip, fall, fail. They can catch one out of four throws. But they’re smiling. They keep throwing the ball back and keep trying to catch it because it’s fun. They do it for no other reason than for the joy of playing
At some point, when growing up, we lose that sense of doing things for the sake of fun. We realize that it’s not cool to be bad at something, and doing something without a goal might be a waste of time, time that could be spent on work. We start caring more about making progress or making something meaningful.
Anxiety is the opposite of fun. It demands that you either distract yourself with social media or constantly think about what decisions to make, what work you can do, what you can plan or prepare, even if you never follow through with any of it. When applications are closed, we are left to prance around our own minds like a zoo monkey. We have lost our skill to do things that don’t have an end goal.
Children aren’t anxious, and they play more than anyone else on this planet. Correlation does not mean causation, but we can see how pure and pointless play can be good for us. I decided to try this myself with photography and writing.
I’ve never considered myself a creative person, as I’ve struggled the most with writing and the arts. However, I remember liking photography as a child. I was fortunate enough to have someone let me borrow their camera, and I began shooting anything and everything, just playing with the shutter button. I had no intention to post these photos anywhere, and focused on having fun with whatever I shot.
This article is a way for me to practice my writing. While I know people will see this, graduating in June means nothing I write here will be relevant in a few months. I can write for the sake of writing, and this has been fun.
What then has been the result? I don’t worry about making a checklist with everything I should bring to my dorm anymore. I’m busy learning to color grade, and it’s been the calmest season I’ve had since junior year started 17 months ago.
Is anxiousness good? In many cases, yes. We don’t like anxiousness, which drives us to do work to get rid of it. However, anxiousness is often misdirected, and we end up working and making no progress while feeling stressed out of our minds.
These outlets can, at times, feel pointless. My dad’s response when I told him I was interested in photography was, “Will that help you in college?” Yet that is exactly what I encourage you to try. Try something for the sake of trying. When you fail at it, remember you are doing exactly what children do. In the end, you’ll improve, and you will exit the post-application waiting room with a new skill, hobby, or talking point when meeting new people in college.
Below is some of my more recent work.
